The nature of life and time

I was born in a time of too late

when the movement of mind was already on roll

and I never felt quite at home

but life is indeed 

to short

too short to regret 

too short to nag

move on

see ahead

and I move on and I see ahead

and I try not to grieve

things of unalterable nature

I was born in a time of too late

but I live today

and the value of life and love

does not get hindered by borders

of space

or time

Sometimes it's easy to feel small in the world, to feel helpless, out of time, like you don't fit. I have almost never felt like I fit. It has, since early childhood been a sensation of something, just without reach, something I should be, or have, or experience. But even though this feeling remains, not all the time, but it still lingers, just in the corner of my eye, just almost below the sound level. I am happy today, for the most. I can handle myself, for the most. But when I fall through, this out-of-reach feeling is there to nag me and taunt me. Driving me mad and enhancing whatever reason that made me fall through. You might see me as ignorant, indifferent, or even rude. That is not me, it's just this feeling of not belonging. I never belong, I just hope to, try to, and wish to. And this makes me feel like nobody is interested in my views, my thoughts and my opinion. So what do I do? I live. I love. I do my best to be happy. I do my best to be happy for myself and those close to me. Because in the end, I won't be one of those people that leaves a mark in this world. I didn't get on the boat in time, and I will never reach it's destination. I paddle around in the sea, forever searching and I when I die I will slowly sink to the bottom, anonymously. And there is nothing to do about that, so I choose not to try. I want my life now, as it is, to be as good as it can be. 

It's just those times.. when I almost see ... almost hear.. and I have this feeling that there was a boat I should have been on.

Do I nag? Yes I do.

Fucking apeshit cold and why can't I ever get any rest

05.45 Youngest son woke me up, he had wet his bed. Changed the beddings. Staggered back to bed, wondering why I had no memory of swallowing a cactus.
07.45 The trash truck arrived and started making noice, right outside my bedroom window.
09.08 Youngest son woke me up, saying he wanted breakfast and could he please skype with his friends. Got up. Growled. Made breakfast. Groweld. Woke the middle son and gave him breakfast. Growled. Tried to wake the oldest son. He growled.
10.00 Had tea. Cactus still in throath.
10.12 Tried to wake the oldest son. He still growled.
10.30 The same.
10.35 Walked the silly darn dog with middle son. The sun hurt my eyes. Head ached. Saw a butterfly. Son happy anyway.
11.03 Back. Tried to wake the oldest son, again. More growling.
11.17 The same.
11.25 Called the ex, told him to come get oldest son and dog. No growling, strange enough.
11.27 Did my best to wake the oldest son, telling him his father would fetch him in a while.
11.34 Oldest son yelled from his bedroom "I don't have any clean socks or t-shirt and WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP EARLIER???
11.35 Tried to find clean socks and t-shirt while pondering if it could be legal to throw your teenager out of a window, under certain circumbstances.
11.45 Ex arrived on parkinglot and called for son to get down to the car.
11.46 I followed, with the dog. The sun hit my head with a sledgehammer. Started to freeze. Cactus still in throath.
12.26 Writing this. Kitchen cleaned, dishes in dishwasher. Laundry started.  Both kids that are still here have been fed. I have not eaten. Think I have a fever, know I have a headache, its too hot and i am freezing and why oh WHY is there a big fucking cactus in my throath????

And its not really..

Sometimes it feels like everything is too late. Too late to start over. Too late to become who I really am. Too late to help my kids grow up to be happy. Too late for babies.

I hate when this mood comes over me. It hurts.

And I am fucking tired of hurting.

I am me, who are you?

I am a woman that loves a man. I am a woman that never had a relationship with another woman. I am a woman that has never had sex with another woman. Yet I feel in my heart that I am bisexual. Does that count?

Am I allowed to fight the hbtq fight with the rest of the bunch?
Am I allowed to speak for other bisexuals?
Should I "come out" properly?

Do I have a say?

I am only me, I can be nobody else. I have my own views, my own thoughts and my own way of doing things. I believe that we are all uniqe and that we are all equal. I also believe, very strongly, that there is a time to fight, and a time to love.

And there is a time to go slowly and carfully forward in order to gain more ground that one does in wild rabid warfare.

Everyone is not your enemy. Some people has just not learned yet.
They are not there.
But they will be.
And when they get there, you better not have made an enemy out of them.


Finally,  for those who remain conservative stiff idiots by choice, lets join forces and kick the crap out of them.

Evening walk

Making the upward spiral

This morning started with a big nose bleed. Not uncommon for me lately. I get up, get to the kitchen, and start dripping on the floor, or I get up, head for the toilet, and start dripping on the floor. Tody it was much more than usual, the bathroom floor looked like someone had been murdered there.

But this was not the droid I was looking for, I mean, that was not what I was going to write about today. Up until a few weeks ago, I have been slowly improving when it comes to stress and health over all. But now, that seem to have changed. I don't know why, but I feel worse, sicker, more tired and I am getting depressed again. Very depressed. I don't know what to do really. My situation feels so chaotic, I don't know what will happen in the future, I have no energy and I can't handle the kids. It feels like everything is building up on me. I got a big tax payment I have to make. Didn't count on that one. Also, I have to get summer tires for my car. I have to, every day, every day, be strong for my kids, work with my kids, teach my kids about reallity and never ever stop trying to undo the fact that I let their father rule in how to raise them most of their life.
This is not a happy blog post. But it doesn't matter, since nobody reads this blog anyway.

Little big prison

My kids are playing "Little big planet". Two of them are building a prison for the third...

The reason for my energy drain today

Today, I was driving my former mother in law to her dermatologist. When she asked me to do this about 4 weeks ago, she said, "Its in place A". When she called me the following weeks (3 times) she said "Its in place A". I asked my ex if he had seen the papers, and knew more exactly, he said, "Its in place A, the elevators just by the taco resturant. This morning, I was outside her home at 10.15. Her idéa, she wants to be early. 10.28 she comes running to the car, the small dog trying to keep up. "Oh I got so stressed when I saw you were already here since we were going to meet at 10.30" she says..

After everyone is in the car, I drive away. After a while on the highway, we pass an exit to place B, and a minute later, another exit to place B. Yet a couple of minutes later she says "Are we in place B yet?" Me: "No, we just passed it, since we are going to place A". She: "No, my doctor is at place B". I ask her if she brought the paper she had gotten, no she forgot. I ask her if she remembers the name of the doctors office, no she forgot and she didn't have the phone number. Several minutes later, we have agreed on going to place A, and see if se recognize anything.

Upon arriving at the parking place "I dont recognize anything". When entering the mall (in wich the doctors office supposedly is) "I dont recognize anything". When finally finding the elevator, by wich the text "Doctors office, 5th floor" is "I dont recognize anything". After getting to 5th floor "This is wrong, I dont recognize it". I walked to the door, cursing inside and thinking I would ask the staff if they could see her appointement, before I went and drove to place B. Then I saw a sign with the names of two dermatologists and commented "At least they have dermatologists here" and my ex mother in law says "That one is my doctor." Oh well....

We go inside, get to the dermatologist section and she sits down to wait. I go back to the car to walk the tiny tiny dog, wich almost takes of in the strong wind, but is happy anyway. After going back to fetch the ex mother in law, she says "Oh I am so happy you followed me here, now you can take me every time since you know where it is". Drats! To make things even more fun, when we got back to the car, someone had parked so that there was about 10 cm between my car and the one next to it. I had to climb in from the passenger side. Fucking hell I say, sometimes I get so mad.

But there are good things in all days, even if only small, today I got really early for my water gym class and got a place in the deep section. Go me!

Lonely elephant

Found this morning by my kids school:

The map that swallowed me, almost

A couple of days ago I started learning how to draw an old map in photoshop. I originally planned to use it as a background on the blog, but it ended up getting to big. After experimenting with different teqniqes and such, I got really into it and started thinking of other uses for drawing old maps.

Treasure hunt! Yes, I could arrange a treasure hunt and make a map...hmmm, yes a map that is of this town, around the viking ages. Oh, and I could look up old rune stones, and such, and locate them on the map, and use them as land marks in the treasure hunt. And I could talk to the teachers in the kids school, and ask if I could do this for all the kids classes, as a one day project. And the kids would have to divide into groups and..hmm. I should also go to the library and look up old maps so I will get the map EXACTLY correct, and see how the cost line looked in those days etc. And then I need to find out who has an A3 printer that I can use. As you can understand, I get too intense too fast and I get caught up in the project. Earlier, this would have been a big problem, because things like this take more time and energy then I currently have, but as for now, I managed to handle it pretty well. I did went to the library, look at maps and I have a plan in my head, and maybe I will use it some day.

But not today!

Green fingers, we hope

Today, me and the middle son have planted stuff. Using soil, a miniature plant house, a cut up ice cream box lid, a broken underwire from a bra, and finally, an old plastic box that used to contain cream chees and that we punched holes in, we planted tomatoes, three kinds of basil, djungle cucumber and water melons! We rule.

Special interests

The problem with beeing me is that I get so engorged in things. I dive deep into the topic of wich I am interested and I can't really see beyond the interest. Very often, something that started out as a need, for example, a need for more bra's, turns into a big, fun ”sew a bra” project that takes up all my time, consumes me and makes me read and learn everything about it. If it is a topic or area that suits me, I usually end up following through with it all, but if it turns out its not something I would be really good at, I still can't tear myself from the flow of the big project. I just have to learn all, know all and dive into the deepest knowledge of it. It's very exhausting. My interests vary, or rather, they vary within the topics that are my main interests. When I was younger I always thought that every new interest that I got was the big one, the ultimate one, the one and only interest from now on and forever. Thats how it feels. Now in my later years, I have learned to let myself go with the flow, but still be clear about that it will not be what I do for the rest of my life.

I don't know if this is just how I am about the so called ”special interests” that are so common with asperger people or if other have similar experiences. My kids are not that old yet and its hard to see how they will becom in this area later on. They do get very intense about things, that much is clear.

Depression food in the night

Beeing sick is boring, but then there is Skyrim

Today I feel a little better than yesterday. Yesterday I had a fever and my whole system was filled with mucus. Horrible. I did manage to play some Skyrim, killed a few dragons and became a bard. Then my companion died, and when I was looking for a new one, I ended up getting married instead.

Computer games, you got to love them

Sore throath and far to little sleep

I fell asleep this night at a little over two a clock. I woke up this morning at a quarter past seven by the kids father who called and told me that I need to make a doctors appointment for our oldest son, today. I was humming and wheezing and managed to say that I have, in fact, two meetings today, and that I might not be able to take the son to the doctor. Of course, my meetings (even if doctors appointmens etc) always comes last. When I had been phoning and waiting and phoning and waiting, and finally gotten an appointement rather early, the ex sends me an sms saying that he can take the son if it is an early appointement. How nice. During all this I have also realised that I need to cancel one of my appointements since my voice has almost stopped working and my throath feels like I am pulling barbed wire up and down in it.


As for the son, it turned out that his habit to bite his nails, and cuticles, as well as not beeing a very hygenic person, has given him a bad infection in a couple of fingers. One of them was swollen big and filled with pus. 

Hello

After writing about this and that and specific topics in different blogs, I am now getting tired of keeping it all together and I am starting this blog, the blog that will connect all loose ends and merge all things. Almost. The Happy Goats blog will still be its own. My older blogs will either die or get linked from here, but I will no longer write on them, I will keep my writing here and if I want to write about something that used to be its own blog, I will tag it accordingly. Also, as you see, I will write this in english, since the majority of my net friends are not Swedish.

As this is my first post in the new blog, I will link to my older blogs, the one that counts anyway:

Living with the monkey boys

Explaining mental abuse

My life in photos