The nature of life and time

I was born in a time of too late

when the movement of mind was already on roll

and I never felt quite at home

but life is indeed 

to short

too short to regret 

too short to nag

move on

see ahead

and I move on and I see ahead

and I try not to grieve

things of unalterable nature

I was born in a time of too late

but I live today

and the value of life and love

does not get hindered by borders

of space

or time

Sometimes it's easy to feel small in the world, to feel helpless, out of time, like you don't fit. I have almost never felt like I fit. It has, since early childhood been a sensation of something, just without reach, something I should be, or have, or experience. But even though this feeling remains, not all the time, but it still lingers, just in the corner of my eye, just almost below the sound level. I am happy today, for the most. I can handle myself, for the most. But when I fall through, this out-of-reach feeling is there to nag me and taunt me. Driving me mad and enhancing whatever reason that made me fall through. You might see me as ignorant, indifferent, or even rude. That is not me, it's just this feeling of not belonging. I never belong, I just hope to, try to, and wish to. And this makes me feel like nobody is interested in my views, my thoughts and my opinion. So what do I do? I live. I love. I do my best to be happy. I do my best to be happy for myself and those close to me. Because in the end, I won't be one of those people that leaves a mark in this world. I didn't get on the boat in time, and I will never reach it's destination. I paddle around in the sea, forever searching and I when I die I will slowly sink to the bottom, anonymously. And there is nothing to do about that, so I choose not to try. I want my life now, as it is, to be as good as it can be. 

It's just those times.. when I almost see ... almost hear.. and I have this feeling that there was a boat I should have been on.

Do I nag? Yes I do.

Fucking apeshit cold and why can't I ever get any rest

05.45 Youngest son woke me up, he had wet his bed. Changed the beddings. Staggered back to bed, wondering why I had no memory of swallowing a cactus.
07.45 The trash truck arrived and started making noice, right outside my bedroom window.
09.08 Youngest son woke me up, saying he wanted breakfast and could he please skype with his friends. Got up. Growled. Made breakfast. Groweld. Woke the middle son and gave him breakfast. Growled. Tried to wake the oldest son. He growled.
10.00 Had tea. Cactus still in throath.
10.12 Tried to wake the oldest son. He still growled.
10.30 The same.
10.35 Walked the silly darn dog with middle son. The sun hurt my eyes. Head ached. Saw a butterfly. Son happy anyway.
11.03 Back. Tried to wake the oldest son, again. More growling.
11.17 The same.
11.25 Called the ex, told him to come get oldest son and dog. No growling, strange enough.
11.27 Did my best to wake the oldest son, telling him his father would fetch him in a while.
11.34 Oldest son yelled from his bedroom "I don't have any clean socks or t-shirt and WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP EARLIER???
11.35 Tried to find clean socks and t-shirt while pondering if it could be legal to throw your teenager out of a window, under certain circumbstances.
11.45 Ex arrived on parkinglot and called for son to get down to the car.
11.46 I followed, with the dog. The sun hit my head with a sledgehammer. Started to freeze. Cactus still in throath.
12.26 Writing this. Kitchen cleaned, dishes in dishwasher. Laundry started.  Both kids that are still here have been fed. I have not eaten. Think I have a fever, know I have a headache, its too hot and i am freezing and why oh WHY is there a big fucking cactus in my throath????

And its not really..

Sometimes it feels like everything is too late. Too late to start over. Too late to become who I really am. Too late to help my kids grow up to be happy. Too late for babies.

I hate when this mood comes over me. It hurts.

And I am fucking tired of hurting.

I am me, who are you?

I am a woman that loves a man. I am a woman that never had a relationship with another woman. I am a woman that has never had sex with another woman. Yet I feel in my heart that I am bisexual. Does that count?

Am I allowed to fight the hbtq fight with the rest of the bunch?
Am I allowed to speak for other bisexuals?
Should I "come out" properly?

Do I have a say?

I am only me, I can be nobody else. I have my own views, my own thoughts and my own way of doing things. I believe that we are all uniqe and that we are all equal. I also believe, very strongly, that there is a time to fight, and a time to love.

And there is a time to go slowly and carfully forward in order to gain more ground that one does in wild rabid warfare.

Everyone is not your enemy. Some people has just not learned yet.
They are not there.
But they will be.
And when they get there, you better not have made an enemy out of them.


Finally,  for those who remain conservative stiff idiots by choice, lets join forces and kick the crap out of them.

Evening walk

Making the upward spiral

This morning started with a big nose bleed. Not uncommon for me lately. I get up, get to the kitchen, and start dripping on the floor, or I get up, head for the toilet, and start dripping on the floor. Tody it was much more than usual, the bathroom floor looked like someone had been murdered there.

But this was not the droid I was looking for, I mean, that was not what I was going to write about today. Up until a few weeks ago, I have been slowly improving when it comes to stress and health over all. But now, that seem to have changed. I don't know why, but I feel worse, sicker, more tired and I am getting depressed again. Very depressed. I don't know what to do really. My situation feels so chaotic, I don't know what will happen in the future, I have no energy and I can't handle the kids. It feels like everything is building up on me. I got a big tax payment I have to make. Didn't count on that one. Also, I have to get summer tires for my car. I have to, every day, every day, be strong for my kids, work with my kids, teach my kids about reallity and never ever stop trying to undo the fact that I let their father rule in how to raise them most of their life.
This is not a happy blog post. But it doesn't matter, since nobody reads this blog anyway.

Little big prison

My kids are playing "Little big planet". Two of them are building a prison for the third...